Sunday, April 18, 2010

Puzzles

I am not very good at assembling puzzles. Not when I was 5, and definitely not getting better now. I never really liked playing puzzles as a kid, either. To me the pieces of a puzzle seemed like a bunch of headache inviting stuff that I have to get away from.

But lately, I have been thinking of them. Puzzles of my life.

I wrote somewhere before, that I believe everything in this life happens for a reason. Sometimes, we don’t know what that is, until some time. And when we find that reason, we may or may not accept it. Or maybe we don’t even try to find a reason.

Off late, maybe because I’ve got too much time in my hand, or just a factor of getting older, I have been thinking of reasons for some things that happened in my life.

I think God wants to teach me continuously during the course of my life. I guess maybe God thinks I am not such a good student, so I was given a lot of tests. Testing my nerves, my patience, my will to get to something worthwhile, and sometimes I think, my reasoning power. That is, just to see how good my brain works and how much I want to exercise it. So a puzzle with many pieces was given to me. And the pieces were given one by one, giving me time to try finding a place to fit it into the whole. Not without difficulty, obviously.

If I look back, I don’t think I’ve experienced a lot of difficulties in this life. I pretty much went on OK all the time. Never had big dreams, and yet at the same time getting some things which I think, were extraordinary considering I never wanted nor tried to get them in the first place. My sister used to say that I was always the lucky one amongst the both of us, the one getting through life a lot easier. And come to think of it, I never felt the urge to try thinking why a certain thing happened, because I was just having fun with each piece. I thought it was an easy puzzle to solve. And maybe, without realizing, I began to take God’s game for granted.

That went on till I got married. And problems occurred when we tried to have a baby.

Never really understood then, why on earth did I have to face one problem after the other. And I tried finding a reason. Just to make peace with myself, and to avoid blaming things that I did not even understand. At least try not blaming anyone, or anything.

I think now I understand why it happened (or is happening again now). After having such a smooth time growing up and getting older, I should probably go through something more difficult. I should deal with a piece of puzzle with jagged edges, one that doesn’t really fit anywhere within that ‘easy’ puzzle that I have dealt with in the past. God’s just given me a tougher piece to deal with, because I have been so lazy.

It annoyed me, and right now I am really annoyed. Pissed off, even. Because I don’t like dealing with puzzles in the first place, and definitely not with a difficult one!.

But I’m not a quitter either. Well, at least I don’t think I am. A bitch when faced with challenges maybe, but not a quitter. So, I still search and search for a place where this puzzle will fit. In the process I may learn something, or not. Who cares. This time I just want to beat the challenge that God’s given on my plate. And to show that I am not giving up on God’s mercy and love. For if He (never like using a He to replace God, but saying God all the time sounds strange…anyway…) gives me this challenge, then I am sure He thinks (does He think?) that I am worth the challenge. And that’s like when I challenge Tara to solve a problem, out of love, so that she knows the feeling of victory.

Not sure what my whole puzzle will look like. I am sure God will continue giving me pieces to solve. This jagged piece has not found its place, yet. One thing I know now though, that I should never take this game for granted. For only by working on it, I know how blessed my life actually is. That even when this game draws tears at times, there will always be a place for the piece that has made me cry. And when I look at a particular corner, it just makes me realize that some pieces, really fit well together and they make my life, nice and meaningful.

(R I R I)

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