“You’re my best friend”

As usual, one of my favorite ‘me time’ activities in any holiday is watching a movie, either in theatres or through DVDs. And I love watching old, non-thinking, movies. They relax me. And sometimes, while they’re non-thinking, they can make me think. Like this one. 

I watched ‘Friends with Money’. Starring Jennifer Aniston as Olivia, the poorest of them all, “single, a pot head, and a maid”. Joan Cusack as Franny, who’s main concern is that her husband buys shoes that are too expensive for the kids. Then there is Jane (Frances McDormand), a clothing designer with a $800 price tag, at least, for each of her design. In her 43^rd birthday Jane feels that she can find no surprises anymore in her life, though she is actually happy with her life. There is also Christine (Catherine Keener) who writes screen play with her husband. 

 

What gets me thinking is not the relationship between these four friends. But there was one scene between Jane and her husband, Aaron (Simon McBurney). In that scene, Aaron said to Jane while kissing her fondly, “You’re my best friend”. 

I loved it. I think, compared to being told that I’m pretty, I’d love it a lot if my husband thinks I’m his best friend.

And there are so many reasons for it. Because best friend goes a long way. Because best friend means we wear no masks with each other (and in this movie, I think Jane’s and Aaron’s relationship is the most honest one. Though all her friends think Aaron is gay :D). Because best friend means you’re really there for one another in all life’s ups and downs. And because best friend means you accept the other for all his quirks and habits and you accept all those, and still love the person no matter what.

But I guess there’s also a pitfall in it. The context of a ‘best friend’ in marriage can perhaps mean there is no, or less, romance?. I remember Cip once said that if we’ve become too much of a friend, we’ll perhaps lose all the romance. We’ll be connecting well. We’ll have a great relationship, still, but the lovey dovey stuff may be gone.

Maybe that’s true. I don’t know. All I know is that I want to be Cip’s best friend aside from his lover and partner. Because I think that’s going to make it easier to withstand the thick and thin of life. Being a best friend for one another means that we’re equal. We blame no one when there is a problem, but we’ll work on it together to make it work. We’ll figure things out together, appreciate one another’s effort for it. And life will go by peacefully.

Romance, I think, is another matter. While becoming a best friend means accepting and understanding, romance I think is about remembering what has given you goose bumps. You know, those moments or things he does that have made you flown so high to the 7^th sky, those butterflies in the stomach. Those times when you wish time stops and everybody on earth lives you two alone. Those, I think, are the times that we should keep fresh in our minds.

And of course trying to understand what can recreate those goose bumps again. The longer we are marriage; it takes more effort to recreate those moments sometimes. But we still have to try!. I am not a romantic person (I think Cip will agree with me on that!), but I know when I let him do what he wants so much, I know I’ve touched his heart (or at least, that’s what I think! :D). So in my definition, romance is not always about those ‘fly me to the moon’ moments. It is also about knowing when and how to touch your spouse’s hearts. And how can we know if we’re not best friend to one another?.

Pretty simple, or so it seems, right?. Of course not!.  Like everything in life, it needs a consistent hard work. Marriage is another type of work!. Human beings are created like that.

And I guess when it comes to marriage, everybody has a different recipe to work things out. Mine is, to seek for that ‘best’ level of friendship coupled with efforts to keep the romance fire burning. Oh and one way, of course, that I KNOW will work for us, is to plan a trip for two every once in a while. So here’s to 2 more years waiting to do that  (till Lila’s 3 years old) – wherever it’ll take us, here’s to togetherness, alone, at last ;-) 

R I R I 

Breastfeeding is easy

Iya. Sumpah. Itu yang ada di kepala saya sejak sebelum menikah. 

Gimana nggak gampang. Alat? Siap nempel terus, gak perlu dicuci, gak perlu disteril. Isi? Dijamiiin!. Siapa sih yang bisa ngalahin ciptaan Allah?. Pasti kualitas paling top lah. 

Dan saya kebetulan punya seorang tante yang menyusui kedua anaknya. Anaknya yang kedua malah menyusui sampai 2 tahun lebih. Dan saya nggak pernah sekalipun mendengar keluhan si tante (eh lagipula mana mungkin pula dia cerita ke saya ya, secara waktu itu saya baru SD! :D). Jadi di kepala saya sejak dulu, nanti, kalau punya anak, saya pasti bisa dan harus menyusui!. Gak terpikir sama sekali tuh pakai susu formula. Cakep kan niatnya?. Cakeeeppp dong. 

Bertahun-tahun kemudian (ho’oh, literally, balada nikah di usia kepala 3 :D), akhirnya saya punya anak. 23 September 2004, Tara lahir. 

Selama hamil, saya lumayan rajin cari-cari info tentang ASI dan menyusui, terutama latching atau perlekatan karena katanya kalau perlekatan kurang bagus ya bayinya nggak akan kenyang dan produksi akan terganggu. Siap akan menyusui deh ceritanya, lahir dan batin, sejak masuk ruang persalinan jam 7 pagi tanggal 23 September itu. 

Yak. Eng ing eng. Ternyata, tantangan demi tantangan rupanya siap menggoda sang niat. 

Tantangan pertama: rumah sakit gak suportif!. Saya minta rooming in, 24 jam saya minta Tara di ruangan bersama saya. Tidak dibolehkan oleh suster dengan alasan kondisi saya masih lemah karena C-section, dan saya mendapat suntikan antibiotika lewat infus sehingga akan pengaruhi ASI dan tidak baik jika diminum oleh bayi. Dalam kondisi setengah teler karena baru 6 jam pulih dari operasi, dengan sangat berat hati saya iyakan. 

Keesokan paginya, saya minta Tara dibawa ke kamar. Dan langsung saya coba susui. Alhamdulillah, si kecil kelihatannya tahu niat ibunya. Lumayan mudah proses pelekatannya yang pertama itu, dan dia lahap sekali nyusunya!. Waktu dia sudah kembali tidur, saya minta supaya dia dibiarkan saja di kamar saya. Datanglah suster kepala, menjelaskan pada saya bahwa hal itu tidak dimungkinkan karena saya masih diinfus. 

Yak. Riri si galak mulai membara. Saya ngotot tetap minta anak saya tetap di kamar, karena walaupun saya diinfus saya sudah bisa jalan dan sudah dianjurkan untuk banyak gerak agar luka operasi cepat sembuh. Jadi saya balikkan saja ke si suster: kalau saya sudah boleh jalan, dan sudah bisa tenteng-tenteng itu botol infus bahkan ke kamar mandi, kenapa bayinya nggak boleh di kamar? Bukannya aneh?. 

Akhirnya si suster mengalah, tapi dengan syarat jam 10 malam Tara harus dikembalikan ke ruang bayi supaya saya bisa istirahat. Tadinya saya tetap ngotot. Tapi akhirnya saya pikir ya sudahlah. Toh di rumah sakit cuma 5 hari, setelah itu di rumah saya bisa revisi semuanya. 

Dan karena harus terpisah dari saya, ya pastinya dikasih susu formula dong. Cip kebetulan kerja di salah satu produsen susu formula, jadi dia yang belikan sekaleng susu merek itu.

Di hari ketiga, kira-kira jam 2 pagi, saya terbangun karena payudara saya sakit sekali dan baju saya terasa basah. Ya pastinya. Lha wong sudah 2 hari, seharian sampai jam 10 malam saya menyusui, lalu Tara balik ke ruang bayi. Jelang dos si payudara nguamuk begitu nggak disusui lagi. Wah itu saya bingung harus bagaimana. Pompa ASI?. Meneketehe!. Ilmu belum sempat sampai kesitu untuk tahu harus beli yang mana!. Dan top dong: rumah sakit juga tidak punya pompa ASI!. Suster juga tidak ada yang tahu bagaimana caranya memerah ASI dengan tangan. Lengkap sudah. 

Cip yang nemenin saya juga bingung harus gimana. Akhirnya saya usaha perah dengan ilmu yang terbatas, terbatas dengan ingatan saya dari informasi yang pernah saya lihat di salah satu website tentang breastfeeding. Keluar sedikit sekali dan akhirnya saya menyerah karena sakit. Dan itu lagi, meneketehe kalau keluar sedikit itu juga udah top buanget karena baru hari ketiga!!!. Yang keluar sedikit itu terpaksa dibuang karena saya perah ke dalam gelas. Sekarang rasanya pengen jambak-jambak rambut karena yang saya buang itu kolostrum!. Buoooduuuoooh. 

Dan sejak kejadian itu, saya jadi takut kejadian lagi. Akhirnya saya minta Cip belikan pompa tradisional yang memang satu-satunya dijual di rumah sakit: yang dengan karet bulat di ujung itu. Ya ampooonn sakitnya memerah ASI pakai benda itu!. Tapi lumayan. 10 – 30 ml bisa saya perah, dan saya ngotot minta suster untuk berikan ke Tara selama dia tidak di kamar saya. 

Akhirnya, 5 hari di rumah sakit selesai. Pulang. Excited, sekaligus bingung. Maklum, mahmud (eh udah gak ‘mud’ deng, udah 33 waktu itu cuuuyyy!!! :D). 

Dan ini tantangan kedua: kelelahan. Saya dan Cip aliran gak tega pakai diapers. Ya kita aja kepanasan, gimana anak bayi kalau pakai diapers seharian!. Sementara rumah kami tidak ber-AC. Ya makin parno dong. 

Ya sudah. Alhasil seharian plus semalaman kami berdua hanya tidur dengan waktu yang sedikit sekaliiiii. Si kecil bolak balik pipis dan pup (pastinya). Dan persis seperti ritme saat dia di dalam perut, dia malah bangun di malam hari!. Bayangkan ada bayi melek dari jam 10 malam sampai jam 4 pagi. Seru beneeerrrr. Tapi saat itu saya sadari 1 hal yang paling penting: DUKUNGAN DAN BANTUAN SUAMI ITU TIDAK TERNILAI HARGANYA!!!!. Kalau ingat masa-masa itu saya pengen peluk Cip erat-erat dan bilang makasiiiiiihhhh banget karena sudah jadi ayah dan suami yang baiiiiikkk banget. Mau gantiin popok, mau gendongin Tara ke pelukan saya karena saya sudah terlalu teler untuk berdiri kadang-kadang, pagi-pagi dia yang bangun dan jemur anaknya sebelum dia sendiri harus siap-siap ke kantor. Pasang bedong pun lebih jago dia daripada saya :D Thank God bener deh pokoknya. 

Karena saya kelelahan (saat itu kami juga belum mencari pengasuh bayi), saya sering sekali tidak sanggup bangun lagi pagi saat si kecil minta menyusu. Dan saya mengalah. Tiap hari selama 2 minggu pertamanya di rumah, Tara minum  sufor. Iya sebotol sehari saja, tiap pagi supaya saya bisa tidur sejam penuh. Cukup. Saya tidak mau lebih banyak lagi karena toh saya masih di rumah. 

Lewat masa 2 minggu yang rasanya seperti setahun itu, saya mulai terbiasa. Kondisi fisik juga sudah mulai lebih kuat pasca operasi. Dan Alhamdulillah, kami dapat pengasuh untuk Tara. Susu formula yang masih tersisa 1 kaleng, saya larang untuk buka. Si mbak bingung – rupanya belum pernah bekerja untuk ibu yang berikan ASI eksklusif. 

Dan Alhamdulillah sejak itu semua lancar. Sampai saat saya harus kembali bekerja. 

Ini tantangan ketiga: tidak pernah nyetok ASIP. Saya bekerja di perusahaan asing yang lumayan fleksibel. Jadi waktu itu saya pikir, saya pasti masih bisa menyusui. Tara bisa mampir ke kantor, atau saya bisa pulang sesekali untuk menyusui. Jadi, saya baru mulai nyetok ASIP 3 hari sebelum bekerja. Hebat pisan ya?. Iyaaaa :D 

Dan kembalilah saya bekerja. Minggu pertama. Aman. Came second week and it was hellish till exclusive breastfeeding period ended!. 

Bayangin. Tiap hari, karena tidak punya stok, saya harus make sure saya sampai di rumah jam 6 atau Tara tidak punya apa-apa lagi untuk diminum!. Karena saya juga refused untuk simpan susu formula di rumah bahkan untuk keadaan emergency sekalipun. Alhasil, tiap hari saya harus pastikan pekerjaan semua beres by 5. Padahal kadang hal ini tidak mudah juga karena sebagai marketing researcher kadang masih ada saja yang masih harus saya kerjakan even after regular office hours. 

Dengan kondisi itu, saya kejar tayang tiap hari. Masih untung karena kantor saya di Cikini dan waktu itu belum ada pembangunan jalan layang Casablanca yang bikin Kuningan bak neraka seperti sekarang ini. Jadi tiap hari Alhamdulillah saya selalu bisa sampai rumah jam 6. Walau kadang Pak Supir harus super lihai ngebutnya ;p Ampun deh ah. 

Lalu waktu Tara di bulan kelima, saya diberitahu bahwa saya harus ke Shanghai untuk sebuah pertemuan. 10 hari. Nah lho. Pusing dong secara gak punya stok!. 

Akhirnya, saya putuskan untuk pakai susu formula lagi di saat Tara 5,5 bulan. Sekali sehari saja. Demi saya bisa simpan ASIP untuk Tara selama saya tinggalkan ke Shanghai. 

Dan saat dia 6 bulan, berakhirlah penderitaan kejar tayang tadi. Tara kebetulan bayi yang doyan sekali makan!. Jadi makanan pertamapun dia lahap. Saya harus berangkat saat dia 6,5 bulan dan Alhamdulillah usaha nyetok selama sebulan itu bisa simpan ASIP yang cukup selama saya pergi 10 hari. 

Berangkatlah saya. Dengan tetap membawa perabotan pompa ASI dan sebagainya itu. 

Tantangan keempat, dan yang terberat, adalah saat saya pulang. 

Saya pulang dengan semangat. Bawa 20 kantong ASIP beku (iya, ini juga salah satu kebodohan: saya tidak pompa rutin tiap 3 jam selama di Shanghai. Hanya pompa 3 kali sehari dan itu memang membuat produksi ASI saya drop luar biasa dan di hari ke-4 saya hanya bisa pompa 40 – 60ml per sesi. Lesson learned: jangan malas pompa saat jauh dari anak!), dan kerinduan akan menyusui. Saya tiba di rumah, Tara sudah tidur. Begitu dia bangun, saya angkat dan susui. And there it happened. She refused me (well…refused the nipple actually but it did feel like she refused me :( ). 

Sedih, panik, guilt, semua campur aduk jadi satu. Semalaman saya tidak bisa tidur dan dengan hati yang beraaattt banget, hanya bisa memandangi Cip, yang bangun beberapa kali dan memberikan ASIP ke Tara.  

Besok paginya saya ke klinik laktasi. Tapi saya merasa tidak terlalu dibantu saat itu. Saya malah makin bingung dengan segala saran mereka. 

And anyway…akhirnya saya exclusive pumping, plus minum obat dari klinik laktasi untuk merangsang ASI tetap keluar, karena Tara tetap menolak. Memang yang diproduksi sedikit sekali. Tiap pumping plus perah tangan hanya keluar 30 – 40ml. Tapi itu tidak menyurutkan niat saya untuk tetap usaha berikan ASI, walaupun tentunya saat itu sudah harus dibantu dengan susu formula. Begitu Tara 1 tahun, setelah 5 bulan exclusive pumping, saya stop karena takut juga konsumsi obat yang terlalu lama akan pengaruhi hormon. 

Lessons learned dari pengalaman pertama itu jelas banyak sekali. 

Yang pertama pastinya cari sebanyak mungkin informasi tentang ASI dan ngASI. Saya cukup beruntung ketemu websitenya jagoannya breastfeeding, Dr. Jack Newman. Dia bahkan mau menjawab email saya saat saya sedang usaha relaktasi.

Kedua: cari tahu kebijakan rumah sakit tentang rooming in, dan juga dukungan yang mereka bisa berikan tentang ASI dan ngASI. Ini pentiiiing ya ternyata. Ya saya kan assume infrastruktur kesehatan ngerti dooong, secara bukannya ASI adalah yang terbaik untuk bayi kan?. Tapi ternyata oh ternyata, baru tahu saya kalau bahkan di kalangan kesehatan (even dokter!!!), ilmu tentang ASI itu minim banget!. Saya malah ngalami lebih tahu saya timbang para perawat. Menyedihkan juga sih. Karena ibu-ibu yang baru pertama punya anak kan pastinya banyak bingungnya. Sumber info pertama pasti ke para pemberi pelayanan kesehatan. Tapi itu kayaknya belum bisa dilakukan. Harus kita juga yang rajin cari informasi.

Ketiga: POMPA ASI ITU BARANG PENTING YANG KUDU DIBELI SAAT HAMIL!. Ribeeettt bener belanja keperluan bayi, yang satu ini jangan sampai lewat dari daftar!. Pas hamil cari info tentang pompa ini. Saya sendiri dulu pakai Medela Mini Electric atas saran teman.

Keempat: nyetok ASIP secepat mungkin, apalagi kalau kita bekerja. Kejar tayang itu gak enak sumpaaah!.

Kelima: bangun support system yang kuat. Kalaupun ada yang kurang mendukung, tutup kuping, pakai kacamata kuda, yakin saja bahwa ASI adalah yang terbaik untuk bayi kita. Saya mengalami dipertanyakan oleh ibu saya sendiri: kok umur 4 bulan masih ASI aja? Kenapa gak dikasih makan? Itu nangis masih lapar kali. Saya anteng aja, dan saya jelaskan sekarang aturannya adalah ASI saja sampai 6 bulan, no food, no water, nothing else but breast milk. Ya pasti ada masa-masa ‘gesekan’ apalagi karena saya bilang ke si mbak supaya jangan ijinkan siapapun kasih apapun ke Tara, kecuali saya yang minta. Hehe…dia yang mengalami dipelototin sih, bukan saya :D

Dan saya beruntung sekali Cip amat sangat suportif. Suami yang mau bangun malam, ganti popok, sampai ajak anak bayinya jalan-jalan di taman sore-sore saat ibunya harus bertugas jauh, itu surgawi rasanya. Plus juga suami yang percaya keputusan istrinya adalah yang terbaik untuk anak. Penting itu!. Karena ada lho suami yang mempertanyakan keputusan istri untuk menyusui. Nah digandeng deh baik-baik kalau kebetulan suaminya seperti itu, kasih semua info tentang ASI. Insya Allah terbuka matanya.

Sekarang rasanya jauh lebih mudah untuk memberikan anak ASI selama mungkin. Informasi makin banyak. Not to mention jejaring sosial yang bisa jadi sumber dukungan moril at least (eh tapi kalau nggak hati-hati menyaring informasinya, juga bisa bikin down ya….hehehe…). Tapi begitu saya punya anak lagi, selain lebih PD karena pengalaman anak pertama, saya juga merasa dukungan yang ada jauh lebih besar karena komunitas-komunitas yang membantu ibu-ibu menyusui terutama yang bekerja, juga jauh lebih banyak. Jadi tidak merasa ‘sendirian’ seperti 7 tahun yang lalu. 

Sekarang saya sudah menyusui Lila, selama 13,5 bulan. Alhamdulillah kali ini saya tidak perlu bantuan susu formula. Pengalaman masa lalu itu betul-betul jadi pelajaran buat saya. Subhanallah, senang sekali rasanya. Yang paling saya rasakan adalah Lila, walaupun tidak ‘sebulat’ kakaknya waktu bayi dulu, tapi dia sehat. Alhamdulillah Lila tidak pernah sakit. Paling top sedikit demam karena perubahan cuaca, dan selalu sembuh dengan baluran minyak kayu putih dan bawang merah. Pilek dan batuk sembuh hanya dengan terapi uap di kamar. 

Tes yang paling top untuk dia adalah kami ajak traveling 10 hari, by car, keliling beberapa tempat di Jawa Barat dan Tengah. Kami ke gunung, ke laut. Dan Alhamdulillah dia baik-baik saja. 

 (ini kita lagi 'pacaran' di pantai Batu Karas. Seru ya!. Produk-produk yang membantu ngASI

juga makin banyak!. Saya beruntung tuh nemu olshop yang khusus jual kaos khusus

untuk nyusui jadi travel kemanapun mantap!. Emak gak perlu ribet dengan 

baju nyusui yang biasanya gak asoy itu. Tetap bisa sporty dengan celana pendek :D)

Jadi ya betul kan keyakinan saya sejak jaman single dulu: ASI is the best!. Lha yang bikin juga The Best of the best kok yaaa :-) 

Disclaimer (hehe…penting ini!)

Saya buat tulisan ini bukan karena saya anti-sufor. Lha 10 tahun saya menikah dengan Cip, 9 tahun diantaranya Cip selalu bekerja di perusahaan produsen sufor, jadi saya juga dapat uang belanja dari perusahaan yang membuat susu formula :D Not to mention dalam pekerjaan, saya banyak sekali bekerja dengan klien dari produsen susu formula. Nothing wrong with them!!. 

Susu formula tetap ada manfaatnya. Ada ibu-ibu yang either memang memilih tidak menyusui, atau memang tidak bisa menyusui karena banyak alasan. Dan semua itu harus kita hargai sebagai keputusan yang mulia dari seorang ibu. Saya sendiri kalau tidak ada susu formula waktu Tara dulu, pusing juga deh pastinya. Mencari donor ASI juga tidak mudah, dan bukan tanpa resiko. Kalau tidak ada susu formula, apa jadinya para bayi itu?. Daripada dikasih air tajin, atau bahkan air teh, atau dikasih pisang di umur 4 bulan dengan resiko kerusakan pencernaan, kan tetap lebih baik dikasih susu formula dong.

Saya buat tulisan ini untuk semua perempuan yang menganggap bahwa menyusui itu sulit. Itu saja. Karena sampai sekarang saja saya masih suka dikomentari, “Ribet amat sih bawa-bawa ini itu”. “Anaknya kan jadi tergantung sama kita”. “Anaknya kan gak segemuk yang minum formula, kasihan ah”. Well, well, daripada kita ngedumel, lewat sajalaaaaahhhh. Itu akibat kurang informasi saja, ya kan?. Yang penting kita-nya jangan terpengaruh!.

Iya memang tidak mudah. Tidak semudah yang saya kira dulu apalagi kalau kita perempuan bekerja. Tapi juga tidak sesulit yang kita bayangkan asalkan kita mau mencari informasi yang benar. Dan trial and error. So what kalau membuat kesalahan. So what kalau harus minta bantuan susu formula sementara. Itu bukan dosa!. What’s more important is that we learn from our mistakes. And mistakes, are the best things that can happen to make us remember those things the most for a better future.

Dan, yang penting niat!. Saya percaya bahwa kalau kita sudah berniat akan lakukan sesuatu yang positif, the universe will move around us to make it happen. Serius!. Saya sudah buktikan ini dalam banyak hal…hehehe…sok spiritualis ceritanya neh :D

Anyway. Breastfeeding is (not) easy, but it is NOT DIFFICULT either :-) 

(R I R I) 

In memoriam: Si Banteng

February 2004. That was when it arrived at our home. My very first car. Or, to be exact, the very first car that I decided to buy by credit.

Maybe, to a lot of other people, that is not a big deal. But I was raised by parents who never bought anything by credit. They saved money, for long years, then made a big buy. My father bought his first ‘out of the showroom’ car when he was in his 60s. My mother, when she was in her 50s. So, I always thought of the same thing: that I would have my first car maybe after I worked for long years.

But of course, time was different.

When I finally got pregnant, we suddenly realized there was no way for us to fit in the car that I used, my mom’s first car actually. And we also needed a car that could go to rough terrains, so we could take care of a piece of land that my father left us with.

And there was no way we could wait for years to buy a car!. We needed it then, not years ahead. So, with so much reluctance, I decided I’d apply for the credit once we decided on a car to buy. In my head, I kept asking what if something happened. At that time I was pregnant with Tara. So I had this thought about what if I wanted to quit my job and became a freelancer to take care of this baby that we had been waiting for?!. How would I pay for the car?. But anyway…with all those silly thoughts, I moved on.

So the search began. And the choice fell to it: an S2 Nissan Terrano. We fell in love with the look, and the toughness. I loved its surprising lightness when driven though it looked very tough from the outside. And of course, nobody thought about how fuel inefficient the car actually was. Why bother when there was a company paying for all its expenses ;-) (the ‘beauty’ of living in a corporate world….at that time, at least).




We gave it a name, Banteng, or The Bull, because of its tough and macho appearance. And the journey began.

It witnessed the growth of my belly. When I was 7 months pregnant, it was not easy to ‘climb’ into it, really. But I think that made me stronger!.

It took Tara to her very first trip out of town when she was only a month old, visiting a good old friend of our family. It took Tara to her first taste of ‘school’ when she was in playgroup. And a good company to her till now she is in Elementary. It took Tara to every single class in her singing and drawing courses.

It witnessed Cip’s panic when we were in Semarang and Tara fell very ill. I had to be with her in an ambulance, and Cip followed us driving like crazy down from my in-laws’ home in Pudak Payung to the center of Semarang city. I heard him honking every single vehicle that came in between it and the ambulance. And it was a wonder how they both arrived safely at the hospital with that panic driving on a steep road down to Semarang.

It witnessed our joy when Cip bought 'The Cocoon' - our home. It helped us moving things, shopping, and we practically abused it to bring heavy stuff.

It was our companion – the three of us: my sister, Tara and I. It was in it that we went to Bandung and on the way Tara saw the very first ‘horse car’ with a real horse in it!. And she was ecstatic. And it accompanied us to many trips, witnessed many laughter and quarrels and screams and hugs and kisses and tears from Tara frustrated being teased by her auntie. It witnessed the bonding we grew as the ‘Three Musketeers’.

It took us going on little adventures.

It accompanied us on the first trip for Tara to go through the southern route to Semarang. It got puked by her thanks to the winding roads. It accompanied Tara to follow me around when I had meetings in or out of town and I wanted her to stay with me in the hotel. It accompanied me to all strange trips to clients’ offices :D

It helped me doing my job as an MD. I didn’t remember how many times it helped the team in Research International whenever we had events or workshops.

It’s made me felt good. Whenever I had to drive it, I felt really cool. Why? A little lady and a big car like that, c’mon! it IS cool, right?!. Once I got out from it and there was a black American nearby uttered, “Really nice car”. And that made me felt really good. Very stupid and trivial maybe, but hey, you need to feel good about things you’ve bought!.


I was never a person who got hooked with any things that I own. I look at them as enablers – enabling me to work, or look good, or whatever its function is. So when I bought our Banteng, I thought of it like that too. So 2 months back when we finally decided to sell it, or rather I decided to sell it (Cip never really agreed, but he understood my pain every time I had to pay for the gasoline now that it’s no longer covered by any company :D). I never thought for a second that I would feel sad about losing it. After all, it’s just a car!. And we’ll have a new one soon anyway so it should be fine.

But apparently, it’s not that easy.

Tonight’s Banteng’s last night to sleep in our home. In the comfort that’s been sheltering it for the past 8 years. And tonight, my tears fall as I write all these memories down. Tonight, suddenly I realize how important it’s been to our little family. How much space it’s taken in our life with us taking it for granted. Yes, it’s just a car, with no heart and soul. But it’s a car that we’ve loved and cared for the past 8 years. And it is also MY FIRST CAR!. When the 4 years of credit passed and I had all the papers in my hands, that was when I realized why my mother’s face was beaming when she told us she finally bought her first car. It did feel good. Really good.

And it has accompanied us so much. Yes, one can say of course it did, it’s a bloody car that moves when you want it to move, what do you expect!. But it’s not just that. It’s a big part of our family life. It’s witnessed Tara from the moment she was still in my belly. It’s grown old as Tara grows up. They are almost of the same age!. It also witnessed so many trips I had to make to the doctor when I was pregnant with Tara. It also witnessed those trips I had to take to finally have Lila.

But everything has an end. The curtain has to go down. So, Banteng’s era has to end, now. My life has changed. I needed something more sensible to spend on (and gasoline is not getting any cheaper either!). Rationality takes over. Emotion gets to sit on the pavement.

So with a heavy heart…. Good bye, Banteng. We love you lots. We hope your next owner will love you as much as we did, will take care of you well. And we hope you will have lots more adventures, go to rougher terrains, enjoy lots more trips…joyful trips filled with laughter.

(R I R I - 19 April 2012)

Time’s different. Indeed.

It was a Monday. 530am. Tara barged in to our bedroom, panic, “Mommy, I have a homework that I have to submit today! Can you help me please?”. Me, holding her sister who was wide awake by then thanks to all the commotion!, looked at her, “Oh yeah, you have to make a map of the neighbourhood, right?”. “Yes, please mommy please help me. I don’t know how to make it”.

Reluctantly I sat up. “OK I’ll help you. Can you get me a paper and pencil so I can draw the map for you to copy?”. She ran outside, came back with everything. And so I drew the best I could.

The main street of Mampang. The 7/11 intersection. Toyota Showroom. Daihatsu Showroom. Turning to our smaller street. Our home. The mosque behind the house. And other houses. Done.

Tara drew it all. Then something tickled me. How dry the picture was. Is that all?. Is that the mental map that Tara will have of the house where she grows up?. A mini market, some automotive showrooms, a mosque, and houses and more houses and more roads. Really?!. Somehow, I feel sad. Very, very sad.

I still have the mental map of our family’s first house in Pesing, close to Daan Mogot. There was a huge river behind our house, where we could see fishermen’s ships. And lots of people selling woods and bamboos. The main street filled with big trees. A warung nearby our house that is always filled with traditional goodies. And I could still picture what we did back then. Running around with the kampong kids. Playing hide and seek behind the trees. Screaming when we saw a big lizard walking up from the river. Or a snake during rainy season (hmmm…no this one was not at all fun. I hate snakes).

Then the house where we live now. Back in the 76 when we moved in. The unpaved roads. The dirt road – which would become very muddy in rainy season. So many trees – big and small. A little cow farm behind our house. I could still remember how cold the house would be in the afternoon that we should be wearing our sweaters at 6pm. Playing with the neighbourhood kids amongst the trees. Coming home from school wearing my boots in rainy season otherwise I wouldn’t be able to walk home thanks to the heavy mud!. Searching and eating the little reddish black fruits called ‘buni’ that fell from its big tree in a field next to our house.

How lovely those memories are. And somehow I feel sad that Tara (and her sister later) won’t have such things to enjoy. To be out and about even when we already live in the center of a metropolitan called Jakarta!. Well, Cip will say to me that everyone has his or her own memories and those must be worth treasuring. Tara and Lila will have different stuff. Still, I somehow feel there is something missing…

Oh but it can be me getting old(er). You know, already at the age when those times in the past can always bring warmth in one’s heart. So maybe, at my age later, Tara and Lila can also look back and feel the same warmth. I hope.

Or maybe....they will only remember all the silly stuff we've done as a family....wherever we are, no matter how 'dry' that place seems...

(R I R I)

2011 - the year of taking leaps of faith

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

It's true, isn't it?. And upon reading it, I couldn't help smiling thinking of all the things I've gone through this year, thanks to being the pilot, or, forgetting it's actually ME on the pilot seat!.

So this year will soon past us. Is it a good one, or bad one?. Well, as a pilot, you should know your own journey, I guess.

Looking back, I personally feel this has been the year where I've taken so many leaps of faith. To do things that I never thought I'd do. Things that at first scared me, but then, I decided to do it for many reasons. But mainly, because I feel ashamed to God if I never took any of those.

1. The arrival of Baby Lila



Finally, after 3 long years of waiting. Here she is. A beautiful baby girl that we've all been waiting for is finally in our home, with a little help of a petri dish! ;)

Something that I was first very scared even to think about. But then I thought, God may actually want to test my faith for doing so.



Adinda Noura Khalila - a sweet, kind, little sister who lights up our lives. A chance for me to remedy what I haven't done in the past: being a BETTER breastfeeding mom. And hopefully I can do it this time. For her sake.

And hopefully Tara will no longer feel so alone. And she can now share all that love inside her with her little sister whom she never stops kissing!.


2. Eye to Eye is in town!




I've FINALLY taken the pilot seat. I've conquered my fears, my worries.

I've finally said to myself, "Oh c'mon, what have you got to lose (aside from money maybe) from trying?. Even if you fail, you can always say to yourself at least I've tried and know what I can and can't do. If you never try, you never know and you will always be that bitter person who complains about others but never really know how hard it is!. Surely you don't wanna be that kind of a person, do you?".

And yeah you've guessed it right. That was it to stop me from 'considering' to 'doing'. I've always told myself that money is not an end, it's a means to an end. So this is my end: conquering my fears, and seeing how far I can go and do things for myself and others. Hopefully more for the latter.

And of course thanks to so many people who've supported me, and walked beside me. Without them I may have never found my courage either!!!.

So far I am enjoying the experience. Of course it's not easy, and God knows it will never be easy. But at least now I am on the pilot seat, with co-pilot and crews that I know I can rely on. So, at least, even if the flight's gonna be bumpy, we'll still be able to laugh and enjoy it. And hopefully have a safe landing most of the time.


3. Seeing Tara triumphs at school

It's not the grades that have made me happy. It's her spirit to learn that's amazed me. Her will to master what she learns at school. Which, needless to say, I don't think I've got that when I was at her age :D

But here she is, keen to learn and know more.

And it's our homework to keep her interest high (even now on her school break she's already asked me to make worksheets for her to work on so she doesn't forget all that she's learned!).



Now. Thinking of the lows of the year. Strangely, I've got none. Seriously.

I've turned 40 this year. And even that made me happy cause I've done something different on this turning age!.

I'm happy that I've still got my one and only sister. With whom I've shared a lot of woes and worries. I've got a lovely little family - and looking forward to more fun times together. I've still got my mom, a reminder of what I should be in old age: full of spirit and not giving up to old age and what it brings!. I've got the work that I've always loved.

So, counting my blessings, I think God's been kind to me. The question that still stands is, am I kind to God. I think I haven't been. So that's still my homework too (aside from the homework from Tara)!!! (God the merciful, please forgive this stupid creature of Yours. But I am, forever, Yours).

I am looking forward to 2012. Looking forward to Lila turning 1 and taking her traveling, the four of us, to other corners of this beautiful country. Looking forward to seeing Eye to Eye taking off to a higher ground. Looking forward to be on that pilot seat with a lot more crews, to grow together. Looking forward to seeing Cip taking a higher ground next year - I know he needs to be on that seat.

So yes, a lot to look forward to. And that's great!.

I don't have any resolution next year. I've got plans. And a lot of prayers. For myself, my family, and all others out there. May we all sail through next year smoothly. May we all be strong when storms, big and small, hit our boats. May God be kind always. And lastly, may we all remember how kind God's been to us and be kind to God in return, because only God deserves it.

Amen. Amen. Amen..


(R I R I)

Genderang UI, genderang sunyi

Universitas Indonesia universitas kami
Ibukota negara pusat ilmu budaya bangsa
Kami mahasiswa pengabdi cita
Kejar ilmu pekerti luhur tuk nusa dan bangsa

S’mangat lincah gembira
Sadar bertugas mulia
Berbakti dalam karya
Mahasiswa

Universitas Indonesia perlambang cita
Berdasarkan pancasila dasar negara
Kobarkan semangat kita demi ampera

Genderang UI, atau Mars UI. Ih…pertama kali nyanyi lagu ini, rasanya gimanaaaa gitu. Mungkin persis seperti prajurit-prajurit muda dulu berangkat ke medan laga, dengan dada sesak oleh semangat untuk membela negara. OK lebay.com.

Waktu masa perploncoan (ospek atau opspek, apalah namanya itu, been too long cyiiiinnn…can’t remember what it was anymore), saya bahagia sekali kalau sudah hari Minggu. Saatnya latihan paduan suara untuk persiapan nyanyi di balairung UI. Menemani para sarjana di wisuda mereka. Wah waktu itu rasanya sueneeeng buanget lho. Maklum, saya tidak pernah mengira bisa lulus Sipenmaru dan masuk UI!. Lha wong semangat belajarnya mirip PLN, byarpet – kalau tidak digebyar mampet.

Pertama nyanyi lagu ini, saya jadi membayangkan kami adalah pemuda pemudi bangsa yang sedang berjuang. Lewat pendidikan yang lebih tinggi, mengisi otak dan hati dengan ilmu yang kelak bisa kami gunakan untuk kebaikan, supaya Indonesia bisa jadi negeri yang lebih baik. Ini salah satu lagu yang bikin saya membayangkan para mahasiswa tempo doeloe yang berjuang demi Ampera. Dan nyanyi lagu ini somehow, bikin saya merasa jadi bagian dari perjuangan itu (sotoy.com…lahirpun belum…).

Tadi siang, saya jadi berpikir. Lagu ini, kalau dinyanyikan dalam konteks sekarang, apa rasanya ya.

Beberapa minggu yang lalu, saya harus ketemu dengan klien. Setelah selesai obrolan pekerjaan, kami ngobrol ngalor ngidul. Ndilalah, ternyata kami berempat semua alumni UI. Bergulirlah cerita tentang lagu-lagu yang dinyanyikan di wisuda di balairung. Dan, bergulir pula cerita tentang biaya kuliah.

Saya waktu itu datang dengan anggota tim yang paling muda. Obrol punya obrol, saya baru tahu bahwa kolega saya ini sudah termasuk mahasiswa yang harus membayar kuliah dengan 7 digit angka. Sementara saya dan kedua klien saya, masih dengan 6 digit. Itupun masih di bawah harga sebuah handphone Nokia yang paling sederhana (hayo tebak sendiri. Tebakan anda menentukan kelihaian anda menebak usia kami bertiga).

Waktu itu kami bertiga cuma bisa melongo begitu tahu berapa uang kuliah yang harus dibayar oleh anggota tim saya itu.

Tadi siang, mungkin gara-gara dengar lagu-lagu perjuangan di sebuah food court, tiba-tiba saja saya ingat dengan lagu Genderang UI. Dan tiba-tiba saja dada saya jadi perih. Bayar uang kuliah 7 digit per semester, di sebuah universitas yang di dalam mars-nya terdapat kata-kata ‘Pancasila’ dan ‘ampera’. Aduh. Ada yang salah.

Iya sih, sah-sah saja universitas mencari uang. Tapi bayar 7 digit per-semester?. Who the hell have that kind of money?. Dan apa artinya itu?. Artinya, ya hanya the haves yang berhak mengecap pendidikan di salah satu universitas terbaik di negeri ini. Artinya, hanya kerucut teratas dari segitiga masyarakat Indonesia yang mampu, sementara kaki dari segitiga itu, yang melebaaar sekali, bisa apa?.

Well, kita semua tahu bagaimana kondisi pendidikan di negeri ini. Tapi rasanya pengkhianatan demi pengkhianatan terhadap perjuangan banyak orang, termasuk di ranah pendidikan, semakin jauh mengakar. Padahal, pendidikan adalah salah satu alat untuk keluar dari keterpurukan, dari kemiskinan, dari ketidakberdayaan.

Kalau yang mengarang lagu Genderang UI masih hidup, apa ya rasanya. Apa yang kira-kira beliau akan ucapkan. Yang terjadi sekarang, rasanya tidak sejalan dengan semangat lagu itu – mengusung ilmu demi kemajuan dan kesejahteraan semua orang. Dan itu bukan melulu salah institusi. Saya tidak tahu sih itu salah siapa (daripada dibilang sok tahu nuduh-nuduh). Tapi yang jelas, menyanyikan lagu Genderang UI sekarang, buat saya, jadi seperti menepuk genderang yang tak berbunyi. Cuma suara pluk…pluk…pluk… Lemah. Bukan BAM…BAM….BAM….BAM….seperti dulu waktu saya nyanyikan lagu itu sebagai mahasiwa baru.

Selamat Hari Pahlawan. Mari kita doakan para pejuang pendidikan dimanapun mereka berada.

R I R I

10 November 2011

Nyanyian hati

Memeluk kalian
Adalah memeluk kehidupan
Tiap nafas jadi berarti
Jadi kekuatan untuk berlari

Memeluk kalian
Adalah memeluk harapan
Di kerasnya kehidupan
Yang kadang tak menawan

Memeluk kalian
Adalah memeluk cinta
Perlahan merasuk jiwa
Berikan hangat hilangkan hampa

Memeluk kalian
Adalah memeluk Tuhan
Yang tak henti memberi
Bahkan saat kita tak peduli

Permata-permata jiwaku
Kalianlah mercusuarku
Memeluk kalian ingatkanku
Bahwa hidup, cinta, harapan dan Tuhan
Adalah satu


(R I R I, di tengah kemacetan Jakarta, Kamis, 11 Agustus 2011)

So, maybe this is what it means…..

Life begins at 40.

Never really understood that. And of course, who in the right mind will feel alive at that age!. Or so I thought when I was 25. When I felt that I was on top of the world.

I still feel that way though – that at the age of 25 I had what I have always wanted: a job that I loved, and I was getting very good at doing it too. Cause my late father once said, find a job that you love doing so you don’t feel down when things are down at work, or even when you have to bend your back while doing it. And that time, I never felt any burden at all even when I had to come home at 9.

Plus, doing the job that I loved that could give me money to travel!. Ha!, never thought I would be that lucky!.

So at 25, I enjoyed my work. I travelled where my money could take me. I could finally learn to scuba dive. I could give some of my money to my parents (and my God that felt good too!). I could buy my own needs. And, I could finally think of the next chapter of my life: living alone in another country. Life, was great.

Then time flew. Suddenly, I was 30.

And still I felt good. I was never a person who carefully plan my life anyway so I was happy to find out that I was worth a position that I thought I would never reach till I was more than 30!. So I was ecstatic. Though of course, not being married at that age, was a bit of an annoyance cause I became like an alien in my mother’s big family. But I had other things going so it was fine. And God was good. Just before I turned 31, I met someone with whom 3 months after we met, we decided to get married. So, what more could I ask for?. Life was great, still.

Until, I reached my late 30.

I began to question a lot of things. Mainly about what was it that I wanted. What was it that I was looking for, really.

Career was never the thing to me. Cip always said that I should be very proud for becoming the number one person in the company where I worked in, at the age of 34. Relatively young, he said. But to me that never mattered very much. I was just (still) happy that I could do the job that I love. So positions never really mattered.

So what was it then?. I began to get restless.

What I knew I enjoyed very much at that time, was becoming a mother. Another full time job that I was (and still am) passionate about. And I guess I was among those few lucky people who could still juggle my life OK despite the fact that I had a demanding responsibility at work. I had a good partner by my side.

So, yeah, life was still great. But still, I was restless.

Until some months before I finally hit 40, I found what has made me so restless. Change. That was it. I needed to do something different again. To feel ecstatic again about doing something.

I looked back and was happy with every single fragment of my life. But during the almost 40 years, I only challenged myself once, to do the thing that I knew I would never fit in. To become the head of a business. Something that I actually dreaded.

God knew how I actually knew I would never enjoy the responsibility. And frankly, I never did. But I stayed on that job for 5 years. I have had my moments of happiness, as well as sorrow. And I learned a lot. But those were perhaps the toughest 5 years of my life. Because I had to fight with myself every single day. I woke up everyday saying, “I will survive, again, today”.

Why did I do it?. I guess it was the learning opportunity. And maybe I was also crazy. Crazy enough to bear the things that I actually disliked, just to show to myself that I was tough enough for the challenge.

Then it all had to stop under the name of a merger. I smoothly sailed again with another ship. Still doing the job that I love, without that huge responsibility.

For a while, I was happy. For a while, I thought this was it. I could still juggle motherhood and work well. I could still have my personal time. I could still travel. And yet, after a while, something bugged me again.

Life was becoming too easy. I faced challenges that were too familiar and yet, I could do nothing to change it. And I did not enjoy that. I wanted to be in the action again. Just like the old times.

And that was when I knew I had to take another huge challenge. To face something that I was always afraid about. But this time, I had to be sure that I again had people who I could rely on. And I guess again I was lucky to have found one.

So here I am now. A business owner. Something that I was always afraid of in the past. So many ‘what if’ crossed my mind every time I thought about becoming one in the past. And those ‘what ifs’ were very effective to stop my steps.

But now, it did not matter. As long as we plan it well, somehow I knew we will be able to make it. it’s just a matter of commitment and dedication. Well, not ‘just’, not easy, but still I know we have those.

And it so happens that all this happened when I hit my 40. And yeah, I felt alive. Actually felt more alive than when I was at 25!. I felt that my steps now are a lot wider. My heart a lot stronger. My soul a lot tougher. That I really feel that I can say, “C’mon life, bring it on, challenge me!”.

I guess, now I can understand what it means by that line. Now, I think I can relate to that feeling. The feeling of ecstasy, optimism and hope, that life has just started again. That this is a new era for me, an era of crafting a change that I know I am able to do.

And that feeling, I know will last long. Just like that spirit of 25 has brought me to this point. This time, I guess it will carry me to sail through to my 60s, or even 70s, if God still allows me to live that long.

(R I R I)

Cinta itu, semoga membuat dia bangkit...

Indonesia tanah air beta

Pusaka abadi nan jaya

Indonesia sejak dulu kala

Tetap dipuja-puja bangsa

Disana tempat lahir beta

Dibuai dibesarkan bunda

Tempat berlindung di hari tua

Tempat akhir menutup mata

Saya sudah lupa ada lagu ini. Sampai saya dengar lagu ini mengalun sebagai salah satu lagu-lagu pembuka acara Graduation TK Tara minggu lalu. Dan saya hampir menitikkan air mata.

Dulu, waktu pertama saya belajar lagu-lagu ini waktu di Sekolah Dasar, rasanya rasa haru itu tidak pernah mampir di hati. Tapi sekarang, lagu di atas itu saja sudah cukup untuk membuat saya berkaca-kaca dan sibuk mencari tisu di tas sebelum ada orang yang menangkap basah mata saya yang sudah siap menjatuhkan airnya, padahal acara graduation belum dimulai.

Dan bukan cuma lagu ini yang bisa bikin saya seperti itu.

Semalam saya meninabobokan Lila dengan salah satu lagu gubahan Ismail Marzuki, di antara lullabies lain yang membuat dia tidur nyenyak. Dan saya menangis. Iya, sehabis menyanyikannya, saya menangis. Bodoh kan?.

Saya membayangkan para komposer itu pasti amat sangat mencintai negeri ini. Saya membayangkan mereka menggubah lagu-lagu itu dengan sinar cinta yang penuh di mata mereka. Dengan jantung yang berdebar seperti seorang pria menuliskan surat cinta pada perempuan yang terkasih. Dengan jari yang menari di atas kertas seperti penari yang bercinta dengan alunan gamelan dan menghasilkan tarian yang penuh arti.

Sekarang...siapa yang bisa menggubah lagu penuh cinta seperti ini lagi. Saat negeri ini sudah (hampir habis?) diperkosa para penguasa. Saat rakyat hanya bisa nelangsa melihat mereka yang diharapkan melindungi, malah mengangkangi dengan hati nurani yang telanjang tanpa baju yang bernama welas asih. Saat setiap harapan yang digantungkan, akhirnya harus terpuruk tanpa ampun.

Saya yakin masih banyak orang yang mencintai negeri ini tanpa menggubah lagu-lagu cinta untuknya. Tapi mendengarkan lagi lagu-lagu itu, mau tidak mau miris juga hati ini. Mana Indonesia jaya yang dipuja-puja itu?. Kapan kita akan lihat dia kembali bersinar?.

Semoga saja, cinta yang masih ada untuknya akan memberikan dia semangat untuk terus berlari. Semoga, satu hari nanti, anak-anak kita dengan cinta mereka akan tanah airnya, akan membuat dia bersinar kembali. Aamiin..

(R I R I)